In which Violet Greer talks to animals.
I’m Violet Greer, here for my weekly pet psychic reading. I have an interesting case this week.
Archie is quite the rebel. He told me this is a picture of him on his hog, and that he goes out with the other One Percenters just about every night. “Yeah…” he sighed, stretching his hind legs and flashing his studded claws “I’m pretty dedicated to the Life. I got patched when I was just a pup and I’ve been ridin’ high and tight with my Brothers (what a buncha’ scooter trash they are) ever since, shakin’ the heat and prowlin’ the subs ‘til the crack a dawn.”
I have no idea what any of that means. Seth tells me Archie must think he’s part of a motorcycle gang. In reality, Archie is house trained and has an intense fear of flies. “I dunno man, they wig me out. Make me feel like a squid when I’m just tryin t’ ride. I’m gunna get me some Wilted Wings soon if I ain’t careful.”
His family reports that he thinks he’s human and sees no difference between himself and the two boys in the family. Archie will require more sessions with me. I’ll try to get to the bottom of his interest in motorcycles. I might have to point out that he has no thumbs and therefore cannot actually drive the bike. But I try to reserve that sort of shock therapy for only the toughest cases.
Do you have a pet laboring under delusions?
(Shout out to my son, Jake, for Archie’s “reading” -de)